on the road to perdition

someone once said, death comes to us all. all a man can do is smile back. i wonder if i will know the moments prior to my death. if i will recognize when i myself am standing on the threshold of death's door. who will be on the other side when the door opens?
i know that a small and narrow path leads to the place that i long to go. i also know this, that i have wondered from that path many times in my life. i want to say that i am on it now, but i am not certain. im certain that i am disatisfied with where i am. i want to grow. but its as if i am a plant on the edge of ruin. as if every part of me yearns to blossom, and yet i am in the winter. the sun and water has forsaken me and i am buried in snow. cold and alone. i want to feel the sun on my face more than anything.
perhaps its the dusk before the dawn. maybe i will convince myself of that just to get through tomorrow. maybe its the last night before the war. the final day of captivity before the convict is set free.
i pray that i do not disappoint. perhaps God has gotten used to disappoinment when hae looks at me. i can only recognize my failure and move on, trying to fail once less tomorrow then i did today. will i? probably not. but all i can do is hope. if i lose that hope, than i have nothing to live for. death has already assigned me a date. until that date comes, i can live.